My Love for You

NO WEDDING

2006-11-20T22:38:00.000-05:00

FOR EVEYONE OUT THERE THAT HASN’T HEARD YET, JENNIFER AND I HAVE CANCELED OUR WEDDING. SORRY BUT WE CAN’T COME UP WITH 12,000 PLUS DOLLARS FOR THIS EVENT, IT WAS BOTH OF OUR DECISIONS AND DON’T WORRY NOTHING IS WRONG. CALL FOR DETAILS!!!!

2006-10-02T21:01:00.000-05:00

Sad that I have this reflection, I have this realization now when I piss her off. When I push the buttons the wrong way and could possibly lose her. I admit I am quite immature when it comes to marriage. I know nothing; sometimes don’t know what to do. Well ok, I know some things, but this post and read close, this post isn’t to put myself down, it is the actual reality of it all. I pissed her, man o man I fuckin pissed her off. I effected something in her head, changed a thought process, ruined trust, you can’t deny that. I do it, no one else, I did, playing a game, a dangerous game that was fuckin stupid and I apologize. I am sorry Jennifer, it will NEVER happen again, I didn’t mean or though it would effect you this way, this much, I am truly sorry. I don’t think I will be able to say I am sorry this time and fix it, I don’t think I will be able to say I am sorry enough in a life to fix this problem. For the probably, third time in this relationship, I am truly scared, I am scared of losing her. Yes I think this is the closest I think I have come as of yet of losing Jennifer. Yes she says I will never lose her, but really she will only put up with soo much. Shit she doesn’t need my games or me. She doesn’t need it. I expect to get slapped when I arrive on Friday, if I don’t something is wrong, I expect a punch, kick, slap. This isn’t a way to get rid of it, but I know I was wrong and I am sorry. I know this won’t fix it and I will always expect a repercussion. I know, I know you won’t, but I just know how bad I fucked up and nothing to happen to me, well that is worse punishment. Don’t comment on this post, just read, that’s all you need to do. I know something is wrong, she wants to yell but wont. I feel a little distance, but do you expect. I hope and know time will only fix this, I just want to fix it now, I want her to not be mad at me anymore, and I want her to be happy that I will be there in four days. I know she is happy I am coming, but I want her to be like she was last week. I am soo sorry Jennifer, please forgive me baby.

2006-10-02T00:20:00.000-05:00

Sitting here in the dark, Whitesnake and Journey playing, listening to my beautiful wife sleep. I should be in bed, yeah I should but I can’t sleep right now. This is the last week in school and then I will be home to get my wife and we can start our life together. I look back on all of the this, the 9 months we have been apart and wow can I tell you all the times I freaked out about nothing or worried myself to the point of nausea about my wife. The times I made it out to seem like she did something wrong when she never made a mistake, it was all me. It was all in my head, it was all made up, a fantasy world that I wanted to live in and believe it all, and it was all true. But is has turned out, time and time again to be false. I can start with saying I am truly sorry it will take me a life time to apologize for my foolishness. I am soo sorry that you have been subjected to this. I apologize for making you feel inferior to me, I am sorry for making you feel like you are always doing something wrong, that every move you make is a wrong one, that what you think is always wrong. I am sorry. I love you Jennifer and I am sorry. I have never been loved like this before. I have never had someone soo infatuated with me. I have never had someone care how my day is going, never had someone cares if I was hurt or not, never had someone wondering what I am thinking, never had someone think I was cute when I was trying to fall asleep drunk and mumble, never had someone laugh at my stupid jokes, never had someone put I love you notes in EVERYTHING they send me, I never had someone put little love notes in my lunches, never had someone leave me love notes around the house when she went to work, never had someone so eager to go hiking with me, never had someone soo beautiful and intelligent want to be with a ugly grumpy person. No matter how shitty my day is or was you are still there to cheer me up to make me feel good, no matter what. I never had someone who felt safe when I am there, never had someone that by me making a fuckin dumbass stupid fuckin comment on some occasions get soo worked up with emotion, never had someone value and respect my opinions especially when I go off on tangents and put up with them, never had someone want to be with me soo much it hurts, never had someone want to watch me sleep because I look cute, never had someone who when I was sick as a dog and burning up take care of me and put up with me acting like a child, never had someone to get mad over the definitions of diastolic and systolic pressure, never had someone trust me soo much, never had someone who actually listened to me when I said “lets wait to have sex” on the first date, never had someone who is sooo patient with my foolishness and my naiveness. Never had someone who on her worst day, still is the most beautiful woman in the whole entire world, never had someone who couldn’t wait to sleep in the same bed as me. Never had someone who couldn’t sleep when I wasn’t there, never had someone who needs me soo much and that I am their one and only. Never had someone that is their weakest and most vulnerable moments of their life would turn to me for help, love and support. This just scratches the surface of what I have realized I have or have experienced with my wife. I have never had someone like this, I now realize what I have and how much I need and will cherish it. I love you Jennifer.

My Fuckin Frustration with all of this

2006-09-11T22:41:00.000-05:00

In the past month I have been told I have a REALLY BAD attitude and I am an asshole. Just is probably why I have no friends down here. Well this could be a long ass entry but I will see what I can do. First off, I like San Antonio and I like where I am at, I just hate the people, well certain people I work with. I CAN NOT AND AM FUCKIN SICK of dealing with female soldier problems day in and day out with how much they whine and bitch about how hard it is here and how bad of a place this is. Trust me, it is such a cake walk here, they are just too damn young to realize it. Second, I am around A LOT of tangos, more then I have ever been around in my career and I am starting to see what pieces of shit are actually in this MOS. I see the fuckin fat asses they complain about PT yet they are struggling to make tape, I am watching the people whine about how they don’t know shit about this MOS because they have been away fro soo long or not in the clinic. BOO fuckin hoo. Though I haven’t been over there, I have seen the TDA realm and trust me, if you don’t apply yourself or you seriously don’t care, you won’t learn shit, don’t come to BNCOC and try to learn it all in one day. Especially if you are going from BNCOC to a training environment that like WLC or shit like that where you REALLY aren’t going to use the MOS skill. Why get rapped up in information that by the time you get back into the field, it will all have changed to something completely fuckin different. When I hear and see this, I ask the question, WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PROMOTED??? I have talked to people more and more and I am looking around at this and I see that I will not get promoted for at least a good year or two. Face it yall and you know who you are try your hardest but you won’t get promoted anytime soon.

Ok another thing is the BNCOC thing in whole. I have sat through A LOT of classes and one of the big ones was the PT class. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO GET A FAT SS MOTHERUFCKER TO STAND UP AND TELL ME ABOUT PT? To be physically and mentally tough? What the fuck about you buddy, look in the mirror before you give that damn speech. The other thing is the way the army is going as of right now. All we are doing is training bullet catchers. When I cam through I learned respect and the Army values and to stand at parade rest for and NCO, now we have to be nice to the soldier sand we cant upset them or they will cry and get their way. Now soldier can just sand around and talk to you. Dot get me wrong I don’t let the fuckers do that to me, but that is one of the attributes that makes me a BIG asshole here. But is starts in AIT and the instructors let them, the instructors have fought it but the higher ups say they have to let the soldiers do what they do. So where does that leave us as NCO’s? You give me this general military authority and power and then turn around and in the beginning show the soldiers to do whatever around an NCO. When I was in basic and AIT, HA BULLSHIT, NOTHING LIKE THAT EVER AND I MEAN EVER TOOK PLACE. So then I get these soldiers that were never taught discipline and do this shit to me and it fuckin pisses me off. But when I put them in check, they run to daddy (Sergeant Major) and then I have to stop and be all nice and shit, FUCK THAT.

I do blame a lot of this on the NCO crop because we are the biggest organization in the Army but the most fucked up on. I think in order to fix most of these problems if we police up ourselves and square ourselves away then we would be able to fix the Army.

Ok I will stop here I will post more tomorrow. Peace.

My Reality

2006-07-16T22:15:00.000-05:00

I feel weird, inside and outside. I feel A LOT of distance from my friends, family and loved ones. Some say, you wanted to go to Texas, and I did and I am glad I am here and not in the shitty place USU. Now I have done this long distance thing before, what I mean is being away from friends and family, I was in North Carolina, without a car for two years so I am used to being alone, but this time is different, a lot different. I don’t want to talk to friends or family, I don’t want to talk to them at all, I don’t even pick up the phone when they call. I feel like I am not myself anymore, not in my mind or hands or feet or body, a lot of the times I feel like I am outside of my body watching myself at work or at home. And the depression, HA! That is just there and WILL NOT go away, nothing can bring me out. I just don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone, yes you make your bed you have to lay in it and I am laying in it. It is just all too comfortable. My dreams have turned into nightmares about me fight someone or something but never winning. Trying to run away but I am not fast enough, dreaming of something and it happens during the day. The demons are at the front door again, I am waiting on the other side ready for guns to blaze, but this time I don’t think I will be able to hold them off for good.

What Dreams May Come

2006-07-02T15:36:00.000-05:00

For the past two weeks I have a reacquiring dream. It starts out to where I am in a dark room and a dead man is sitting across the table from me. He says “There is two ways this is going to turn out.” He starts to draw a picture and the picture turns into reality and I am in a hospital room. Jennifer is sitting there crying into her hands asking me way I did this. I try to talk and I can not. I keep trying but all I can do is cry but it hurts to cry. So I pick up a mirror and I look into it and noticed I am horribly burned. My face is disfigured and I can’t stand to look at myself so I throw the mirror against the wall but the mirror goes through the wall. Jennifer gets up and leaves the room, as she is walking out she say “I can’t take this anymore; I don’t want to deal with your bullshit anymore.” I say “Fuck you, why does it have to be this way?” As I am saying that, the dead man appears and says you brought this upon yourself, your constant denial of yourself and this life caused all of this. I start to scream at the top of my lungs and I come back to the dark room again. The dead man says “Here is the other scenario.” He pulls out another piece of paper and start to draw again, I then become the drawing and I am fighting with this person that has no face, I am in an abandoned house in a brown room where the wallpaper is peeling off of the walls. There are maggots all over the floor and I am getting bit by them. As much as I try and fight back with this faceless person, I cant win, I am overpowered by this being and I realize it is the dead man, he is trying to whisper something and then Jennifer appears, she says “Just listen to him, he is telling you the truth and see you never fuckin listen, listen to anything from me or believe in me.” “I keep trusting you with my heart and soul; you have broken it and hurt me too many times to deal with this anymore.” “I want out of this all of this and now you must pay the price.” She picks me up and with a knife she stabs me in the chest, I can’t yell or scream during this whole time even though I am trying to, I am crying and pleading with her to stop the pain and asking why is she doing this? Then she stabs me a second time in the chest and leaves the knife in. She picks up a sledge hammer says “Good Night.” and smashes me in the head. Then I see myself laying on the floor and Jennifer is talking to me, saying that I needed this, that this was easier then living with me and putting up with my worthlessness. I then come back to the dark room with the dead man and he says, you have to choose one of these scenarios because one way or another, this is how it is going to happen. And then I wake up. Kind of crazy, I don’t really pay attention to it, now this dream has varied in a couple of spots but I won’t go into them because then we open the closet and re-release my demons.

Another electronic death due to Halo 2

2006-06-30T17:08:00.000-05:00

Two wireless headsets, four wired headsets and three controllers have been destroyed while I am playing halo 2. This game makes me sooo fuckin mad, yet I keep playing because it is soo much fun to talk trash and beat peoples asses. This next purchase of a headset will be the final headset I EVER buy for halo 2. Because once this one breaks it is all over for voice on the game. GOD DAMN FUCKIN HALO 2 I FUCKIN HATE YOU!!

6 Months to Go

2006-06-18T10:27:00.000-05:00

She is gone, my wife, my best friend, my shrink, my companion, the woman and I love lying next to in bed every night, the woman that I can get into a fight with and be over it in a matter of thirty minutes, the future mother of my children, THE ONE, the woman from the first kiss that I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the woman that puts up with my crap and childish games, the woman that has the most patience in the whole entire world, the woman that I love waking up to in the morning, the woman that I love running my hands through her hair, the woman that I CAN NOT stand to be away from, my wife, Jennifer. As I sit here in tears, thinking about you nonstop, this is fuckin hard, no fuckin joke. I cried on the back from the airport. I was listening to the acoustic version of Call it Karma by Silverstein. I just cried, and I didn’t hold it in like I have done with her before. It just hurt too much, its still hurts, I miss her. I miss her like no other woman I have ever been with; I know for me it has sunk in that she is MY WIFE. That she is the one I will be with for the rest of my life. I am still crying, I came home and hugged Ginger, and layed in bed. Smelling the pillow, smelling the fragrance that she left behind and the air is slowing carrying away that smell. I didn’t think it would be soo hard, I didn’t know I would end up like this today. I don’t know what triggered this but, wow. I just want her to come back to me, for good. I don’t want to do this anymore, I don’t want to be away, and I don’t want to be far apart because “someone” said so. Fuck them. This hurts sooooo much more then any other time, then anything I have ever experienced. I don’t want to function, I want to roll up in bed and wait for her to come back to me, to save me. I just want to hide in the closet in the corner and wait it out. I sit here crying, thinking about all of the good times we had while she was down here, how she made me coffee every morning, how she was soo patient while she injected me with lidocaine and how much of a wuss I was freaking out about a little needle. How she was soo happy when she found the house she loved and she wanted, how many times she said I love you, how many times she kissed me. I miss you Jennifer.

Random thoughts colliding into one big Mush

2006-06-04T16:51:00.000-05:00

Well I figure I post something. I just recently got married to a beautiful woman Jennifer. I am sooo fuckin happy that I found somebody. Yes somebody who cares about me puts up with my childish outbursts, someone to hold and to fight for and care for, and grow old with. If you asked me a year and a half ago if I would find someone, I would have told you no and would tell you that I just want to fuckin die. I was close, closer then anyone knows to committing suicide because I couldn’t take anymore pain or put anyone else through the pain. Only one person knows how close I was, her name is Jennifer. My best friend, my companion my souls mate. The woman that has changed me and taught me how to act like a grownup instead of a child. I honestly was some days asking myself, why me? Why did you pick me? Why do you want be? I know I am not damaged goods or broken, I am just stubborn. I used to ask myself this question for the first couple of months with her because I thought it was too good to be true. That I found someone to love fully and completely and to give my heart to them and let them do whatever. I told Jennifer she was one, from the beginning, I also told her that she is the last one, that if this didn’t last or make it that I would be gone from this earth and everyone’s company for good. Not a threat just a decision I made. And now look, we are married and happy as ever. It sucks being alone without your loved one. I now know how most people feel. It sucks and it is a test, a test that proves that I am worthy and that I can keep my dick in my pants. That I DO love her even though there are some people out there that said “It is too soon to get married.” “You two are not ready for this big step.” Well guess what fuck you all. I have proven them wrong yet again. And to the people that have helped m along the way, mike, Chad, Randy, Nancy, Neal. I couldn’t have done it without you guys, telling you my fears and thoughts and you telling me how to fix them. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I guess this means now I can’t get depressed anymore, I can’t think stupid thoughts because I have someone that cares for me and wants me to be there every step of the way. And I cant make childish comments like, you will regret it when I am gone, or I just want to die, because now I am holding someone else’s heart in my hands and I must care for it, like my own. As I sit here listen to silverstein acoustic shedding a tear thinking of my baby so far away, I now why Neal was soo angry and how bad it hurts him. I just sit here in my melancholy state drinking alone with my friend depression and sorrow and wallow in my own pity waiting for my wife to come and take me away from all of this. I love you Jennifer.

Could this be a comeback?

2006-05-13T22:17:00.000-05:00

Well only two people in the whole entire universe want me to write another post. I don’t want to write one, but I will an honest post. Now that I sit here in my apartment, by myself, philosophizing about my life, I wonder. Everyday I interact with a loved one or talk to someone I care, I want to say the phrase: “Just wait until I am dead and then figure it out or……” Sometimes I feel like that is a great response, sometimes I feel like it is too easy. But as I sit here on my balcony, drinking, wanting to smoke a cigarette, to feel alive again, I watch these folks walk to their cars getting ready to go out to the club and I think to myself why? I see them get into their expensive cars and rive away, I realize that their lives along with everyone else in the world, live behind their materialistic bullshit. I also realize that I am nothing more then a mistake. A 23 year mistake. I should have left this big deaf world a long time ago. I think I am going to go to counseling, not to better myself but to save myself from utter destruction, I think I need counseling. I could easily cause myself to have a heart attack over the easiest, pathetic thing. Again, yes I know I shouldn’t be alive. I hate blogging anymore because the things I want to type and say I can’t. I have to hold them in and save them for my little friend in the closet, my only friend here in Texas. Did I mention that I might be going crazy, that I might have a disease of the brain? NOOOOOOO don’t tell Jen, she will get mad and say no it is one of my conspiracy theories, but living alone for sooo long in my psychosis, eventually will have an effect on my brain. This is why I might need counseling. See there I go typing what I really want to type and mark my words; it will get me into trouble. But now I will continue slow decent into psychotic depression and possible suicide, I have been destined to end up here. I am trying not to be dark but at this point, I am not sure where to turn?

The Last Post of a Dying Soul

2006-04-03T22:25:00.000-05:00

As Death is at my door, I welcome her with open arms. " Come in my love, I am tired, weak and ready."